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Conflict Management
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December 14, 2020
I’ve been thinking about the subject of communication for the blog these past few days and decided to focus on some practical strategies to add to your mental toolbox.
Since we are all children of God, how do we treat each other with dignity as human beings? Sometimes we lose sight of our holiness as temples of the Holy Spirit. As a presenting couple for a premarital program called Catholic Engaged Encounter, my late wife and I addressed a topic related to conflict management. In that presentation, we would share from our experiences and follow an outline guide that includes the rules for arguing fairly.
Whether we are married, engaged, or single in our life, we meet other people in our family, places of work and neighborhoods. We live in a society that seems to have lost the art of common decency. The media mirrors this rudeness in the movies, the sitcoms and comedy skits. The turmoil in politics is well documented.
I included a list of rules for arguing fairly that may make sense to you. Last year when I visited one of my nursing home patients to give him Holy Communion, we had a chance to talk for a few minutes. He was uplifted because a new Director of Nursing was appointed at the nursing home where he resides. He said amongst other things that the Director emphasized to the staff that treating the patients with dignity was high on her list of goals. Kindness is so attractive and warming to both humans and animals alike. So I see these rules for communicating (arguing) fitting a variety of human relation situations.
These rules seem to be forms of The Ten Commandments; however, they may help you to remember them before you speak.
1. NO NAME-CALLING - This includes using affectionate names sarcastically because the tone of your voice gives obvious signals.
2. NO THIRD PARTIES -The argument is just between the two of you. People do not want you to air your “dirty laundry” normally. Getting mom and dad’s advice after a fight only gives a one-sided view. In-laws really can create a wedge between couples. The Dr. Phil Show on TV illustrates family squabbles.
3. NO PAST HISTORY- If it’s already settled don’t bring it up again. Use the 48 hour rule. After that time period ‘move on”. Scorekeeping and pushing the other person’s buttons are like picking a scab that will not heal. What is “passed is past”.
4. STICK TO THE SUBJECT- Focus on the behavior and not the person that is the issue. Finding the actual subject is not always easy. Don’t go on to other issues. A red herring in logic steers away from the issue at hand.
5. NO CHEAP SHOTS - (Hitting below the belt) Don’t use the other person’s weaknesses to gain advantage. In a trusting relationship, we are aware of each other’s weaknesses.
6. DON’T ARGUE TO WIN- Some people have to get in the last word. Pick and choose your battles. Many of them may not be worth the time and energy.
7. DON’T GO TO BED ANGRY - Either finish the argument or call a truce and agree on a time to continue at a later date.
8. MAINTAIN A SENSE OF HUMOR- Don’t take yourself too seriously. Remember Angels can fly because they take themselves slightly. Laughter is the best medicine. If all else fails trying tickling but not too much.
9. USE A TIMER -for about three minutes per person. One person speaks and the other person listens without comment. Then the process is reversed. This could be repeated for a maximum of three sessions of three minutes per person.
10. DO NOT ARGUE IN THE CAR for obvious reasons of safety.
People who never fight are scary. They may be ticking time bombs about to explode. Remember Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shining? He was coming down the corridor carrying an axe and said “I’m back”.
In our marriage, we learned to write about our feelings on issues and dialogue on them in our written letters using a 10-minute writing session and 10-minute dialogue session. We also joined a sharing group that had experienced a Marriage Encounter weekend and practiced this technique of writing and dialoguing. I am speaking from my 30 plus years of participating in a sharing group and writing at least once a week with my wife, Marcia. It worked for us. We eventually stopped writing as a couple and just practiced being gentle and caring for each other.
In conclusion, these rules for arguing can apply to a variety of human relation situations. When we envision each other as being created with the spark of God, we can help make this society to be a kinder and gentle nation.